Sophisticated Boom Boom....

My friend/main-gay Sam Hodge, who of late may or may not have been hibernating in a lubed up hot ass hell rabbit hole is slowly emerging as a diamond dusted butterfly for the pleasure of many.
This includes me, I've missed my main.
Every girl has a main.... I have a gaggle (of gays) and a main, which is a lucky circumstance that not many are blessed with. Maybe only Cher, Dolly Parton and me.
Walking down streets together hand in hand, we used to receive glares from unhappy other boy girl couples jealous of our love, doing things that would envy them on purpose. Posing as a couple matching hoodies, sectioned paper, sitting in the sun on a sunday late morning at Kawa.
It was perfect, I helped him through his slut spiral he deflected all unwanted attention I got.
Lets take a walk down memory lane:

This was Tsunami boxing day, amazingly the night Ryan 'fuck face' Lobo through mince pies at Mel's wall and told me I was "too fat to wear yellow".

My mum bought me an indian wedding sari for christmas, thanks mum. Wedlock never looked so gay!

A favorite past-time: Practicing hollywood pouts and smiles. Flashy!

Same then won big on the pokies, thats how he got the name 'New Money'. You go chinnita!


Pioneer studios, we were doing a shoot or something but i accidently got really drunk. That always happens to me, asians just shouldn't drink.


SNAP HAPPY!!

Love rules!

I've often asked Sam about the first time we met, it was when i was 18 and was walking to the post office to post some jeans and shit but on purpose walking the long way on Crown st.
He was hanging out with Jristian and Mel. It was summer time and everyone was hanging out at middle bar and Oyster Magazine was still cool when Charlotte was the editor. Sydney wasn't as slutty then.


This was around the time I was obsessed with role playing and would give us both characters for the night to hang out as. This one was me playing a post war widow who was still kinda hot, and Sam was someone but i cant remember but his outfit didnt work.

Many photos were taken over the winter at the cricketers, we got fat together and then lost it.

CIARA CIARA CIARA..... 'Goodies' was our anthem for 2 months then i gave it up for 'Oh'.

Sam's the most amazing main a girl could have. We have ploughed through twin break ups, suicide attempts, eating disorders, crying fits of laughter, Jemima Khan's horrible wild life shows, more dumplings and beers imaginable, 4 million cigarettes, $598 worth of phone calls, 19 bottles of gin, ups and downs in fashion moments, more heart breaks than a muted widow, frequent quests fitness, Sams sausage stew, 87628632017312 text messages and countless 'I love you, you dont need him's'.

So after that blast from the past, and the warming of our hearts.
Sam is having an exhibition for his beautiful photographs..... Please come and buy them all so he can take me to Tahiti for cocktails in coconuts on the beach with umbrella's!



S is for SLUT
A is for ADORABLE
M is for MENTOR
U is for UNRELENTING
E is for EASY
L is for LONELY

H is for HOT
O is for OBIVIOUS
D is for DARLING
G is for GANG RAPE
E is for EVERYTHING MY EVERYTHING.

xxxxxxxx
Nella

Lets hug this out, BITCH!

Tuesday 23rd January 9.45pm: Nelson >>> Alex, Brave
BRASS IN POCKET, BRASS IN POCKET, BRASS IN POCKET. If you dont call when when they play it i will be totes dev forever.

Tuesday 23rd January 10.30pm: Alex,Brave >>> Nelson
Chrissie is wearing jeans.

Tuesday 23rd January 10.35pm: Nelson >>> Alex, Brave
Lesbian. Brass in pocket, brass in pocket.

Tuesday 23rd January 10.38pm: Alex,Brave >>> Nelson
Whatever go put on your black jeans.

Tuesday 23rd January 10.39pm: Nelson >>> Alex, Brave
Ev's, you would know K.D!

Tuesday 23rd January 10.41pm: Alex,Brave >>> Nelson
Does that stand for Kool Dude?

Tuesday 23rd January 10.45pm: Nelson >>> Alex, Brave
p.s come home safe.

Tuesday 23rd January 10.46pm: Alex,Brave >>> Nelson
I'll try.

Tuesday 23rd January 10.48pm: Nelson >>> Alex, Brave
Not that i care or anything, twat!

CALL: Alex, Brave.....
Muffled "GOT BRASS... IN POCKET........INTENTION......GOT MOTION....GONE MAKE YOU NOTICE."

Tuesday 23rd January 10.50pm: Nelson >>> Alex, Brave
I can't hear it properly, you have to sing the first line so i know what song it is. And stop stalking me stalker-razzi!

Tuesday 23rd January 10.53pm: Alex,Brave >>> Nelson
Nice try at being aloof, i give you a 1.


********************************

Totes obsessed with:
*Entourage- Why have i not watched this series before, Jeremy Piven is amazing!
*My new summer glow- cancer much?
*Text messages-flirty, sexy, breif, direct, one word, essay length, being dumped, badly spelt, to the wrong number, cancelling a date, a reminder, my bank balance.... They are the best.
*Good old fashioned girls catching up to for coffee to ask "Do you think that he isn't calling because I'm fat?" and "Dont worry sweety, you are way prettier than her, she is nothing but a slutty bitch, did you see what she was wearing on saturday night?" and "Do you think that means he likes me? because i kind of like his friend."
*Frozen grapes.


Love and tenderness!

Nella
xxxx

p.s

Went to watch Sheils eat some salmon terriyaki, just watched. You know i dont do carbs.

We talked about the usual stuff climate change, new nail polish colours,economic growth, boys, drought,outfit combinations and PC v's MAC.

Then i went crazy for a massive SOY CHAI LO CAL LATTE WITH HONEY CINNAMON DE CAF.

I have cutlery all over sydney! P.S "CLAIRE COLLINS SHUT UP ITS ALL ABOUT ME!"

I've left it so long between posts, only my hardcore fans will read this.
So much stuff has happened, will have to do it in point form to fit it all in.

*Christmas was a blast, I won my familia's annual trivial pursuit game - excelling in the entertainment questions. Example: In 1997 who featured most within the media?
a)Kate Moss
b)Bill Clinton
c)Tom Cruise
d)Nicole Kidman
Answer at the end of the post........

*New Years Eve was yet another amazing time, getting really drunk with my grandmother. Then watching the fire works with Max at his friends house, my 15 year old twin cousins got home later than I did. LOSER MUCH?

Nothing much happened between 25th December -11th January.

11TH JANUARY MY SUPER SWEET 16TH BIRTHDAY!


My invitation demanded that guests wear white, obvi no-one listened to me... AGAIN.
The white was so that i would stand out in my pink gown, not appropriate for any kind of picnic.

Games started! Tom blind folded me for the pinata wacking..... Ladies, he is single and looking for someone special (only if your pretty and no half-casts!)...email me nellavan@optusnet.com.au

Perfect chance for a beat down, BOY YOU AIN'T ALL THAT!

Pinata is not the best game when your 5'6 and your dress restricts any movement above the elbows.

Wind effects, these are one of the many many shot's that prove I was invented by gay's.

Romance was Born! Luke really impressed the pants off my mum by getting drunk and charming her with compliments about me. Pitty she didnt believe him.

Doctor Harry came along, he now give pet advice via sexy text messages.

My jew's were ever present, thanks for the hewbrew blessing Sophie. SHALOM BITCHES!

I would bend over backwards for my friends, thats literally how nice i am. Sam wanted his first vaginal experience, I obliged graciously. Amazing Hostess!

Alex is catching gay, quickly. No seriously, my family were very happy i'd bridged the gap with the ethnic's by inviting some to my party.

Dave was sharing the festivities, his birthday only days before. I did make it very clear that I would be the center of attention for the day, he had to stay in the background. He was fine with that, and i let him feel me up bit so we are totally even now.

Then we played pin the horn on the unicorn, the prize was that I would french kiss the winner.
Levin's won, we kissed, (open mouth but with no tounge) I must have been pretty good because soon after he proposed.

Sexy Little Thug!

Then everyone started getting sexy, who said you can't catch gay!

Dear Dolly Doctor,
I'm totes worried about my B.F, he is really hot and everything BUT he keeps on wearing my clothes. I think he might be one of those fags. He hangs out with boys all the time and Bloc Party is his favorite band and says he really relates to the lyrics of the new album, you know the one about gay stuff. What do I do?
Love Always,
Confused and homophobic.

Prancing around the park in flowing dresses was entertaining for over 2 hours.

Most amazing biz ever, did someone say Sutho? FUK YEH.....NULLA PRIDE.

Tyson had the most fun ever at my party.
ICING:
2 Sticks of soft butter
Vanilla essence
shit loads of icing mixture.

I love you so much my fiance, our romance is true, natural, honest and so real. You are my better half, and we will face the world together with love in our hearts.

I am Luke's official new accesories model, we have been working on poses for this excellent new hat he made me for my birthday. Michaella is working it out here with a sexy NOT sulry, cute NOT coy and so SASSY it burns!

Group Shot..... totally A-GAY-ZING.

Wait.... tantrum time.
SHIT, Duncan the champagne was just for effect you didnt have to pop it fo' realz!
I sulked for about 8mins then got sulty till 4am.

Thanks to everyone for coming, BBF'S.
To everyone who didn't come, YOUR DEAD TO ME.

Watching: Ugly Betty- completely the most amazing show, The Hills (season 2)- Heidi, what you doing girl? Spencer is playing you! And cannot hardly wait for J-Lo's new MTV dance reality TV show, the girl has come so far from the Bronx it aint even funny or fair!

Listening to: Good Charlotte- Keep your hands off my girl and heaps of disgusting italian disco.

Reading: What?

EVERYONE HAS TO COME TO MY FIANCE'S PARTY ON THURSDAY, HE NEEDS TO PROVIDE FOR ME AND I'M EXPENSIVE!


Forever yours,

Nella

xxxx

*The answer is Bill Clinton, he was jizzing everywhere in 97!

Don't hate the player..... hate the game.

Whats with the dumb horrible comments being left....
Jenna, if you dont like my blog.....simple DONT READ IT. Geezzz what a biz-snitch!

And to the person who left a comment saying i needed to be "glassed", thats just plain stalking.

Listen up bitches, if you dont like me or my blog dont read the bloody thing.
Go and listen to some Belle and Sebastian and lighten up!

This is not what the chronnies are about!

xxxx
Nella

Destiny's Child had such great christmas spirit: "On the 2nd day of christmas my baby gave to me the keys to a CKL Mercedes."

As promised to friends of mine that don't frequent as many celebrity slagging blogs as i do. Lindsay Lohan 2 letters of pure genius:

LETTER ONE :

"I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.

"I feel as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches.

"If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman's wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could..

"Robert altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.

"I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.

"I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years.

"The point is, he made a difference.

"He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.

"So every day when you wake up.

"Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.

"The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious.

"Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.

"Life comes once, doesn't 'keep coming back' and we all take such advantage of what we have.

"When we shouldn't..... '

"Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book) -everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.

"If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I'm one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I'm just a phone call away.

God Bless, peace and love always.

Thank You,

"BE ADEQUITE"

Lindsay Lohan

*************************

Isn't it genius how she signs off "BE ADEQUITE", she is so caring.


LETTER TWO: This is where she gets deep...

"Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said. I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean. I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she's done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.

But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion. Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career. Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK. I'd really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone. I'm willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to 'these people' trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I've gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life. Its enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change. For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I've lost in the recent days, years, months. I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak. Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing. Just ask them, it doesn't hurt to ask. So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan"

Nicole Richie arrested, apparently she eliviates her menstrual cramps with Vicodin.. SNAP BITCH! Pitty you dont get your crimson wave at 39 kg Nicole.

I've been to pretty much every homebake festival since i was 15, its always been my favorite Australian music festival. This year i did notice something, it is the whitest most anglo festival ever.
Within 5 mins of arriving with Nick we were called "snobs" by a guy drapped in an australian flag and fake moustache. Maybe this was because of Nick's exotic looks and ethnic dress or my completely inappropriate festival outfit. Whatever it was, the place was packed with what seemed to be people who could just not get over the cronulla riots.... Big Day Out is usually filled with at least a small amount of mingling races. Lame-gay (laneway) festival is just totally the most mixed race of all....
So I managed to dodge the rain till about 1pm... in the VI area waiting for my bitch Rose to finish her wristband-wendy duties. Then it all got a bit much and Nick and I needed to feel a sense of order, so we went to find some wellingtons at David Jones and sit down for some coffee and cake.
I blow dried my hair under the hand dryer, and felt normal again.

Nina and Kim, they had poncho's but still got drenched. How amazing is the light behind the diamond.... That was the only bit of sun all day!

Jocelin ate some hot dogs, from the hot dogs of the world stand. It was so popular all day, Nicks english boss liked it too and spent 5 mins explaining his hot dog to me. I smiled politely.

Just after Todd and i copped some massive rain, i quickly tried to correct the harmful damage it caused to my fringe helmet.

Will was quite obsessed with this outfit, at this point my shoes were filled with swamp. I didnt care if there were 200 hot boys pilled up around me in a tent escaping the rain. I had just completely ruined my marc jacob flats and no one wanted to go and watch the Vines with me.
This was the days low.

Hicks came out of hiding for all of 4.5 mins.... Walker didnt leave the VI all day, but she was wearing thongs, smart move.

Dools complained alot all day, blah blah working blah blah Stacia i'm tired blah blah. Till he found the hoods, doesnt a mood change quickly when some aussie hip hop is introduced.

Grey hoods, all round.

Going slightly stir crazy...
I made sure that during silverchair we were way up the back so i could turn around in the boring parts (most of their new songs) and watch Bjorn again.

Thank you to Stacia the Un-Official Jay-z fanclub's minister of Photography.

On fanclub news, Gotye is our new celebrity spokes person.
He is also getting together a merrick's beach chapter of the club.
If you want to know more about that ask Nina!

xx Nella

Health Club is having a love song dedication night tonight.. It will be super romantic.