MAD HECTIC BATH BOMBS BABE!

My friend Amelia told me the other day she was obsessed with gangs of hetic lesbianese drag racers.... I asked her if it was like 'Too fast too furious....... Lesbianese drift' or did she ever try and hook in with the 'BL-ASIANS' (blonde asians)? The converstion then ended when she explained her time with the dragsters ended in an almost rape. She used to spray her hair so tightly to her scalp she didnt wash it for weeks and her eye lashed fell out from never taking off her waterproof eye liner and mascara.

Anyway, it was my Grandmothers 90th bithday on Saturday, it was pretty sweet.
My Dad was excellent with the inappropriate public behaviour, very drunk and very funny.
He was handed a plate on mini meat balls by my mum to hand out, but he thought they were given to him as his dinner and sat in a corner and ate the whole plate.


The best Grandmother a girl could dream of, she drinks a bottle of champagne a day!


He is the best, my sister was the usual anti-social and looked miserable, bored and judgement. Glad she had fun....


'STOP IGNORING ME GIRLFRIEND!' Little Olive annoyed the shit out of everyone with the 'Girlfriend' crap all day, apparently she had seen the Bratz Movie. She tasted my wine by accident and spat it all over me.

Cass and i were meant to go to this 'Erotic Fan Fiction' reading....... but i am such a selfish bitch and had to go and get my nails done and make us too late, it sold out even though we totally burned down there in a really quick taxi.
Lucky Cass had her moleskin, we just decided to have our own little reading up at the Readers Digest building, it was so rude we made the concrete blush like thrush.




Oh and I took Levins to the Tini K sale, Luke and I had picked out some stage outfits for him from the great rack of Archival pieces that she had, they were all going dirt cheap, i wonder why?

There were like 2 other people there the whole time i we were there I made Luke yell out stuff like : 'GOD CAN ANYONE BREAK A GOD DAMN 50?' to create some sale atmosphere, even offering the other customers a chance to be 'walk down memory lane through Tini's archival rack' didnt appeal. We did the hard sell, it obviously just wasnt good enough for some picky bitches.

Oh and I have decided to go bobbing for apples!

So many America's Next Top Model make over ep tears were shed, and i dont look like a dyke at all. YAY.

Finally I have added a new like 'SEXY SAMSY' to Sam's hot gay blog, its really queer.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S RYAN LOBO STILL SUCKS........ (HOPE THIS COMES UP NEXT TIME YOU GOOGLE YOURSELF PAKI LOSER)

KIT IS SO KUTE!

So along with my whole new fresher look, which is gracing the latest entries of The Chronnies,
I've also updated my ever so handy LINKS. They are so usefull, the swiss army knife of the blog.
Really. I've even included the Telly guide (see 'What's on telly?') Not that much good stuff is on telly yet, Home and Away just started back after their summer break though.

My latest edition is : KIT IS SO WAY KUTE!
Its my friend Kit's blog, she leads a very interesting life, has a boyfriend (joined at the groin, really)
and is in my favorite all star girl-power rap group SYLK!
Sometimes we catch the bus together. Now i am totally stocked we are BLOG BUDDIEZ!
We are going to hang at Net-Caf's together and frequent really stalkerazzi forums and compare avatars!
So hit up the links list and totally indulge in a bit Kit!

IT WOULD BE RUDE NOT TO, BASICALLY!


My venus-da-milo-and-milk!


Omg she is such a chameleon to her environments. Just amazing.



This was at this really massive party for Oyster Magazine, and anyway this boy was there who i had a thrush on and my ex-boyf was there too. So Luke invented me a drink called "THE FEAR CHASER" alls you got to do is get the free champagne and red bulls from the bar, skull half the glass of champagne then fill the glass with some red bull then skull the whole thing. It knocks any kind of fear right outta ya!


Anyway then we got really pretty and decided to drink these sick drinks, looking at this photo i just had a little bit of vomit in my mouth!

Here is a present for Kit:

The are basically a SYLK cover band, can you belive it?
Ezzy, Kit and Nina better watch their backs.

See you on the bus, you backseat bandit!

xxxxxxxxxxx

Going all the way with Tini K.....

So if your like me and decided Tina Kalivas's Mondrian collection was genius dedication to Silverchairs 'album of the year' - Young Modern, then no doubt you will be in the line at 4.30am with a steaming mocha chiller latte chino to warm your mitts for THE TINI K SALE this friday and saturday.


You cant keep a good girl down as far as i'm concerned.
And you know i have already induldged in my little snip of the collection (if you have been stalking my facebook photo albums hard enough):

ME AND MY MONDRIAN:

Samantha and Mark Ronson djing up a storm, Mark looks so contemp in his Tini.k dont you think?


Me and my mondrian go everywhere together, she is always a talking point. Modern art, i gotcha! Moma, white cube, who you think your talkin too? A MONDRIAN!


You will deffinately get a husband as good as mine if you snap up an mondrian on the cheep cheep at the sale!

See you in line, i will bring my ipod speakers and blask some 'Chair -Straight lines.


Lots of love,

The Museum of Modern Art.

Solid as a rock. The Pete and Ashlee of this great city!

And before i get flooded with questions Luke and I are still happily living in wedded bliss.
Business is going well and Mumma needs a new pair of shoes!


We have been a bit distracted with our fast paced corporate lifestyles lately, and a seachange is sounding very appealing. Just packing up our lives into boxes, chucking the blackberries into Darling harbour and saying "SAYONARA SYDNEY YOU SUCK!". And away we go all possesions held together with a couple of occy straps. That'll be the day!

Love and monogamy.

Nella

xxx

Welcome back...... what took you so long? The gangs all here!

So, whats a year anyway?
With many requests and pleading from various obsessed people The Chronicles are biting back.
What has happended since last Febuary? Not much really, had some bf's, bought some shoes, turned 24, started doing mid 20's stuff - dinner parties, homewears shopping, worrying about my health, the usually 'clock is a ticking' and such.

Have some new obsessions:

PEPPER LUNCH!
Its right in the heart of George st and they are so lazy (which is strange for japanese people because they are like always working or falling asleep studying at the state libbary!) you have to
cook your own food. But there is a great menu of hamburger steaks, deb, some sprouts and someother gross stuff. The authentics are always eating the crazy rice dish, I'm not game yet.
But you get free hats with all the meals, they come protecting your plate.

Cass and I went for tea after Pepper Lunch last Tuesday, i was showing off my Pepper Lunch
hat, it still has some sweet sauce and hamburger juice on it!

MANI'S AND PEDIS!

Its a chance to relax in a fast paced lifestyle. The current favorite is Lily's Nails on Cleavland st.
Always have the latest gossip magazines and best colours. They also have had there opening specials for like 3months. Everyone goes, and Kim is really excellent at a little bit of nail art.

INTERNET BOYFRIENDS AND WEBCAMS!
Cass and I are obsessed with getting internet boyfriends, all the fun but not a creepy and annoying as the real thing. We are struggling with having to have a full face of make up on 24hours a day, you never know who is going to be on ichat!
Its sort of like this story Cass told me the other day when we were talking about stalking and boys. This girl she knows arranged for a Po' Boy (potential boyfriend) to come over to watch movies, she answered the door in a baggy t-shirt with messed up hair but with a full face on like she was just sleeping and looking really hot....... THEY ARE NOW MARRIED.

Thats enough for now. Can you believe I forgot how to do HTML IMG codes.
Summer is almost over, not in my office though - air con's broken and I'm lovin'it. Kick off the pumps and just look flustered and complain about the heat, so much fun!

Will update with heaps of fun stuff this week, starsigns, flower arrangments, trade shows, cocktails of the moment, studs of the week, cute stickers and mid week dinners on a budget.
Thats apparently what are all the rage in blogs this year. Exciting.


Love and dearest and sweetest nothings,

Nella

Sophisticated Boom Boom....

My friend/main-gay Sam Hodge, who of late may or may not have been hibernating in a lubed up hot ass hell rabbit hole is slowly emerging as a diamond dusted butterfly for the pleasure of many.
This includes me, I've missed my main.
Every girl has a main.... I have a gaggle (of gays) and a main, which is a lucky circumstance that not many are blessed with. Maybe only Cher, Dolly Parton and me.
Walking down streets together hand in hand, we used to receive glares from unhappy other boy girl couples jealous of our love, doing things that would envy them on purpose. Posing as a couple matching hoodies, sectioned paper, sitting in the sun on a sunday late morning at Kawa.
It was perfect, I helped him through his slut spiral he deflected all unwanted attention I got.
Lets take a walk down memory lane:

This was Tsunami boxing day, amazingly the night Ryan 'fuck face' Lobo through mince pies at Mel's wall and told me I was "too fat to wear yellow".

My mum bought me an indian wedding sari for christmas, thanks mum. Wedlock never looked so gay!

A favorite past-time: Practicing hollywood pouts and smiles. Flashy!

Same then won big on the pokies, thats how he got the name 'New Money'. You go chinnita!


Pioneer studios, we were doing a shoot or something but i accidently got really drunk. That always happens to me, asians just shouldn't drink.


SNAP HAPPY!!

Love rules!

I've often asked Sam about the first time we met, it was when i was 18 and was walking to the post office to post some jeans and shit but on purpose walking the long way on Crown st.
He was hanging out with Jristian and Mel. It was summer time and everyone was hanging out at middle bar and Oyster Magazine was still cool when Charlotte was the editor. Sydney wasn't as slutty then.


This was around the time I was obsessed with role playing and would give us both characters for the night to hang out as. This one was me playing a post war widow who was still kinda hot, and Sam was someone but i cant remember but his outfit didnt work.

Many photos were taken over the winter at the cricketers, we got fat together and then lost it.

CIARA CIARA CIARA..... 'Goodies' was our anthem for 2 months then i gave it up for 'Oh'.

Sam's the most amazing main a girl could have. We have ploughed through twin break ups, suicide attempts, eating disorders, crying fits of laughter, Jemima Khan's horrible wild life shows, more dumplings and beers imaginable, 4 million cigarettes, $598 worth of phone calls, 19 bottles of gin, ups and downs in fashion moments, more heart breaks than a muted widow, frequent quests fitness, Sams sausage stew, 87628632017312 text messages and countless 'I love you, you dont need him's'.

So after that blast from the past, and the warming of our hearts.
Sam is having an exhibition for his beautiful photographs..... Please come and buy them all so he can take me to Tahiti for cocktails in coconuts on the beach with umbrella's!



S is for SLUT
A is for ADORABLE
M is for MENTOR
U is for UNRELENTING
E is for EASY
L is for LONELY

H is for HOT
O is for OBIVIOUS
D is for DARLING
G is for GANG RAPE
E is for EVERYTHING MY EVERYTHING.

xxxxxxxx
Nella

Lets hug this out, BITCH!

Tuesday 23rd January 9.45pm: Nelson >>> Alex, Brave
BRASS IN POCKET, BRASS IN POCKET, BRASS IN POCKET. If you dont call when when they play it i will be totes dev forever.

Tuesday 23rd January 10.30pm: Alex,Brave >>> Nelson
Chrissie is wearing jeans.

Tuesday 23rd January 10.35pm: Nelson >>> Alex, Brave
Lesbian. Brass in pocket, brass in pocket.

Tuesday 23rd January 10.38pm: Alex,Brave >>> Nelson
Whatever go put on your black jeans.

Tuesday 23rd January 10.39pm: Nelson >>> Alex, Brave
Ev's, you would know K.D!

Tuesday 23rd January 10.41pm: Alex,Brave >>> Nelson
Does that stand for Kool Dude?

Tuesday 23rd January 10.45pm: Nelson >>> Alex, Brave
p.s come home safe.

Tuesday 23rd January 10.46pm: Alex,Brave >>> Nelson
I'll try.

Tuesday 23rd January 10.48pm: Nelson >>> Alex, Brave
Not that i care or anything, twat!

CALL: Alex, Brave.....
Muffled "GOT BRASS... IN POCKET........INTENTION......GOT MOTION....GONE MAKE YOU NOTICE."

Tuesday 23rd January 10.50pm: Nelson >>> Alex, Brave
I can't hear it properly, you have to sing the first line so i know what song it is. And stop stalking me stalker-razzi!

Tuesday 23rd January 10.53pm: Alex,Brave >>> Nelson
Nice try at being aloof, i give you a 1.


********************************

Totes obsessed with:
*Entourage- Why have i not watched this series before, Jeremy Piven is amazing!
*My new summer glow- cancer much?
*Text messages-flirty, sexy, breif, direct, one word, essay length, being dumped, badly spelt, to the wrong number, cancelling a date, a reminder, my bank balance.... They are the best.
*Good old fashioned girls catching up to for coffee to ask "Do you think that he isn't calling because I'm fat?" and "Dont worry sweety, you are way prettier than her, she is nothing but a slutty bitch, did you see what she was wearing on saturday night?" and "Do you think that means he likes me? because i kind of like his friend."
*Frozen grapes.


Love and tenderness!

Nella
xxxx

p.s

Went to watch Sheils eat some salmon terriyaki, just watched. You know i dont do carbs.

We talked about the usual stuff climate change, new nail polish colours,economic growth, boys, drought,outfit combinations and PC v's MAC.

Then i went crazy for a massive SOY CHAI LO CAL LATTE WITH HONEY CINNAMON DE CAF.

I have cutlery all over sydney! P.S "CLAIRE COLLINS SHUT UP ITS ALL ABOUT ME!"

I've left it so long between posts, only my hardcore fans will read this.
So much stuff has happened, will have to do it in point form to fit it all in.

*Christmas was a blast, I won my familia's annual trivial pursuit game - excelling in the entertainment questions. Example: In 1997 who featured most within the media?
a)Kate Moss
b)Bill Clinton
c)Tom Cruise
d)Nicole Kidman
Answer at the end of the post........

*New Years Eve was yet another amazing time, getting really drunk with my grandmother. Then watching the fire works with Max at his friends house, my 15 year old twin cousins got home later than I did. LOSER MUCH?

Nothing much happened between 25th December -11th January.

11TH JANUARY MY SUPER SWEET 16TH BIRTHDAY!


My invitation demanded that guests wear white, obvi no-one listened to me... AGAIN.
The white was so that i would stand out in my pink gown, not appropriate for any kind of picnic.

Games started! Tom blind folded me for the pinata wacking..... Ladies, he is single and looking for someone special (only if your pretty and no half-casts!)...email me nellavan@optusnet.com.au

Perfect chance for a beat down, BOY YOU AIN'T ALL THAT!

Pinata is not the best game when your 5'6 and your dress restricts any movement above the elbows.

Wind effects, these are one of the many many shot's that prove I was invented by gay's.

Romance was Born! Luke really impressed the pants off my mum by getting drunk and charming her with compliments about me. Pitty she didnt believe him.

Doctor Harry came along, he now give pet advice via sexy text messages.

My jew's were ever present, thanks for the hewbrew blessing Sophie. SHALOM BITCHES!

I would bend over backwards for my friends, thats literally how nice i am. Sam wanted his first vaginal experience, I obliged graciously. Amazing Hostess!

Alex is catching gay, quickly. No seriously, my family were very happy i'd bridged the gap with the ethnic's by inviting some to my party.

Dave was sharing the festivities, his birthday only days before. I did make it very clear that I would be the center of attention for the day, he had to stay in the background. He was fine with that, and i let him feel me up bit so we are totally even now.

Then we played pin the horn on the unicorn, the prize was that I would french kiss the winner.
Levin's won, we kissed, (open mouth but with no tounge) I must have been pretty good because soon after he proposed.

Sexy Little Thug!

Then everyone started getting sexy, who said you can't catch gay!

Dear Dolly Doctor,
I'm totes worried about my B.F, he is really hot and everything BUT he keeps on wearing my clothes. I think he might be one of those fags. He hangs out with boys all the time and Bloc Party is his favorite band and says he really relates to the lyrics of the new album, you know the one about gay stuff. What do I do?
Love Always,
Confused and homophobic.

Prancing around the park in flowing dresses was entertaining for over 2 hours.

Most amazing biz ever, did someone say Sutho? FUK YEH.....NULLA PRIDE.

Tyson had the most fun ever at my party.
ICING:
2 Sticks of soft butter
Vanilla essence
shit loads of icing mixture.

I love you so much my fiance, our romance is true, natural, honest and so real. You are my better half, and we will face the world together with love in our hearts.

I am Luke's official new accesories model, we have been working on poses for this excellent new hat he made me for my birthday. Michaella is working it out here with a sexy NOT sulry, cute NOT coy and so SASSY it burns!

Group Shot..... totally A-GAY-ZING.

Wait.... tantrum time.
SHIT, Duncan the champagne was just for effect you didnt have to pop it fo' realz!
I sulked for about 8mins then got sulty till 4am.

Thanks to everyone for coming, BBF'S.
To everyone who didn't come, YOUR DEAD TO ME.

Watching: Ugly Betty- completely the most amazing show, The Hills (season 2)- Heidi, what you doing girl? Spencer is playing you! And cannot hardly wait for J-Lo's new MTV dance reality TV show, the girl has come so far from the Bronx it aint even funny or fair!

Listening to: Good Charlotte- Keep your hands off my girl and heaps of disgusting italian disco.

Reading: What?

EVERYONE HAS TO COME TO MY FIANCE'S PARTY ON THURSDAY, HE NEEDS TO PROVIDE FOR ME AND I'M EXPENSIVE!


Forever yours,

Nella

xxxx

*The answer is Bill Clinton, he was jizzing everywhere in 97!