Friday, October 20, 2006

Charlotte Church - "There you go Lohan you little shit!"

Charlotte Church is hallarious...
We need more crap TV here, and we need Charlotte.

*She doesnt like George Bush because he asked her
"What state Wales was in?"

*She is the best footballers wife ever.

*And to top it off she can sink more piss than the whole Welsh football


Soy chai frappachino chilling flat skim vanilla grande iced jaffa flat chino! ERRRRRR ITS JUST A DAMN COFFEE!

Michaella is the latest of my friends to be attacked by the 'intollerence.'
This crippling disease that is depleating sydney of soy milk and ginger.
They seem to be the only things that the Intollerants can eat.
We met up for ladies coffee, i use that term loosely.... This was her text message -
"Nells are you free tomorrow for coffee? Midday newtown."
So i assumed we would both be drinking coffee.... WRONG.

She did however impress me with her latest CD:

Yep thats right Michaella and i might be the only people who have bought Beyonce's latest offering. Its seriously bombed out, every single is crap.
She should have stuck it out with Michelle and Kelly. Bitch got too big for her boots.

There was a 10min debate on whether those crocodiles were real. I said they were real, and they would be alligators because they have them over there. We only have crocodiles here in the land of brown. The picture also raised the topic of 'Tan Lines' which with all expected beach fun coming up will be a worry. Anyway all these cut out one piece swimsuits are going to leave you looking like a bound red raw ham after a day in the sun.

Here i am looking like the ultimate Scandinavian block... That dress was good in theory then catching my reflection in windows i was really embarassed it looked like i was celebrating a mama cass memorial day. It was a fucking moo moo! A really hot one, but still a moo moo.

Then our drinks came, Grace had a green juice... YUCK. She wasnt impressed either.

Here is Michaella with her soyt chai latte tea pot shit. I had a skim milk coffee. (because my ass does not need any more encouragment.)
It was cute at first awwww she got her own tea pot.....

Then it wouldnt pour out because there was all this ginger blocking the pouring hole part.... and because of all the spicey chai shit in it the stainer got blocked....

Grace and i unimpressed with soy chai lattes, Michaella was starting to feel like a dumb ass by this point. She almost saw the light and abandoned the Intollerants. I like to see her try and find gulten and wheat free pasta on her honeymoon in Tuscuny. Or some Carob in Switzerland..... What is happening to people in sydney?
Girls say that after they eat bread containing gulten and wheat they get bloated.... ummm yeah because you ate too much and your full and a little bit piggy.

It was getting to the point of this. The chai was starting to stink and she had almost used a whole box of napkins. Am i the only person finding this a little bit ridiculous?

Anyway it ended like this.... I had finshed my cup of coffee 25mins ago and she was on her last cup of chai. The mess and waste was horrible and she got chai bits of leaf and crap stuck in all her sequins. It was horrible.

Email me with any other strange coffee choices:


Thursday, October 19, 2006

KANYE WEST'S- Get right for the summer work out tape....Thats right put in work, eat your salad NO desert GET THAT MAN YOU DESERVE!!

"My name is ASSandra, since listening to Kanye's work out tape I've been able to get my phone bill paid, i got sounds and 13's put on my cavailler and i was able to get an free trip to Cancun....And whats most importantly is that i aint gotta fuck with Ray-Ray's broke ass no more!"

Thats right its the break out summer day, carefully planned. It needed to be a day that wasnt too hot and when the beach wouldnt be too crowded...Today was perfect, what other kind of sad losers go to the beach on a thursday afternoon. Viv and I!

Look we are not even road worthy, we caught P.T to Bronte.

Perfect chance to use my angry cat towel. We had a dairy pinic with 3 kinds of cheese - Peccerino, spiced gouda and bitey chedder, there was also some yogurt and a capsicum.
We are way into lactose and stuff, good teeth and bones are really not valued highly enough.

Viv is so pretty, even with a mouthful of gouda. The conversation varied between how penis's look in speedo's to what is Justin Timberlakes best ever song to how i am a really good catch.

Once again trying to re-live our party party youth, it didnt work. We got thru about 2 drinks and decided we shouldnt get too pissy. Some disturbing news Viv told me, her boyfriend stole her emergency vodka from the freezer! "Oh NO he didnt" was my response. Thats dump worthy stuff worse than kissing your best friends girlfriend at your own wedding!!

I hung out on the leado deck for a while, watch out!

Someone had to eat the capsicum. I've been watching so many episodes of Americas Next Top Model lately with Miss Tyra Bizz-anks, my pose's are getting really good. This one is called : Chest bomb enhancer!

Confirming that my fanclub are the best! Phil and Vitto turned up, they know me so well that i didnt even tell them where i was.

Ladiessssss, dont hound me about this stud. I KNOW! Phil is one hot beef stud, video ezy paddingtons employee of the year is single and taking offers!

Viv Vaux you look like a little greek grandmother! No one could ever pull off those shorts as well as you..... mama cita.

Mean while back in the crap corner, i had a mini break down over sand in my shoes.
Can someone invent a spray that is sand repelling with an spf 1 million!

OVAH IT! Lets get back to reality. 378 Bus anyone?!?

You may have picked the song of the day : Kanye West's - Work out plan.
It should be give out to everyone when they join fitness first along with the water bottle, back pack and key ring.
Kanye is just keeping the world sexy, but hey not everyone is buying it:



Tuesday, October 17, 2006


Dool's has a pretty good blog, he is also pretty funny on the radio.
His voice pry's me from bed to the shower, on the sad sad weekend morning's i have to work at the slaughter house. (See previous post, i work at an auction house.)
He is also a really big Hot Dog's fan, as am I.
Here is a link to his blog:

click below click below

On other Hot Dogs news, one lucky very sexy past chonicles star will be taking Hot Dogs as her date to the Aria's this year.

Thank god there will be another photo op for her stunning Brownlow medal dress....

Party Etiquette....The in's and out's of party poise.


Many times i've seen shy little wall flowers sitting on the side lines, when approached they whimper about how shy they are. Cut the crap bitch! If you really cant think of anything to start a converstation with here are some ideas:

"This party really blows, want to see my chest bombs?"
*This line works in any kind of situation, and lets face it most girls have there tits hanging out at parties anyway.

"What do you do? I'm really boring."
*This line works at most fashion/music/pretentious functions, because the person your talking to is more than likely very happy to self promote whatever lame ass wanky industry job they have. They probably either a stylist/art director/graphic designer.
Careful this could take up the whole party.

"You slept with my boyfriend."
*Sydney is a cesspool of incestuous aging desperate sluts and cheating boyfriends who never miss a party."

Sarah and i are demonstrating, see how intested i am that she is a graphic designer.
Wowing me with photoshop knowledge, oh yeah i eat adobe illistrator for breakfast.

Time and again when arriving at a party you can already see the carnage out the front, pretty girls puking all over their day turned night outfits.
Stupid girls limiting foods, because didnt you know every girl in Sydeny is; WHEAT, GLUCOSE, SUGAR, LACTOSE, CARB, YEAST intollerant?!?!?! So that small garden salad sans the bread roll from wellbeing at 12pm for lunch is not exactly going to line your stomach for the function/party that starts straight after work.
The saying 'Eating is cheating' should be left to annorexic's and council workers on friday's past midday.
So eat the food at parties! You'll still get drunk, just not to the point of regurating in your bosses mouth while pashing him.

Alicia Rose and i were knocking back party pies at an alarming rate, but thats ok because we didnt Puke or Pash...That is the beauty of canapes.

Now i know i just told you flashing your norks is a good conversation starter, but thats only if your ta-tas are young fresh and clean and you do it in a dark corner.

Nudity can be just plain disgusting, Craig here has had a bad case of beer-block. Most boys get this after drinking all day in the sun, he is a cold mess. Sitting on Gareths sofa there is direct contact between BUM AND SOFA.... ewwwwwww.


This is ok if you are faking it to get your boyfriend to leave, or to get out of talking to your asshole ex boyfriend. But they are they only acceptable situations, otherwise if this happens to you... AA IS THATA WAY >>>>>>>

Lastly here are some tried and tested party anthems:(all dedicated to tyson!)

2unlimted - get ready for this
Red nex - Cotton eyed Joe
Coolio - 1,2,3,4 Get your woman on the floor
dj Kool - Let me clear my throat
Snap! - Rythym is a dancer
La bouche - Mr vain
Guru Josh - infinity


Haute Couture....

This is the ugliest Jumper i have ever ever seen.
We found it at the saint vinnie's, broadway a little while ago.
Here is what sets it apart:
*It was hand knitted... Yep someones nanna in the late 80's early 90's was given a pattern by their Boy George loving grand-daughter and forced to knit the monstrosity.
*100% Acrylic.
*The genius idea of stripes on the sleeves and checks on the body... Flattering for any figure.
*Its yellow and brown.
*THE ARTISITC TEXTURE - to all you non knitters out there, its actually quite hard to alternate between plain and textured wool, in this case its art.
*It's like a size 24.

Can't believe the 'hipster cardigan kid gangs' hadn't snapped it up already. Jealous much.
Have you noticed those kids, their prime hang out is a 500m radius of the Gaslight.
But its spreading....
They wear tight jeans, an off-center hair cut, and so much colour its like a licorice all-sort spewed on them. To top off their outfit there is always a revolting cardigan thown on for a tad more gross.

Notorious N.I.T

Nella's ark.

I'm a bit jealous that Noah had an ark with two of every animal.
Now he would have to have a whole new boat for cross-breds.
Like my dog Pollyanna, she is Maltese x Shitzu. When Doctor Harry invented all this cross breeding he really didnt think how it would effect these dogs brains. Because Polly is very very cute but is a complete psycho.
This photo of us was taken at Michaella's birthday picnic.

My newest pet is 'STICKY' the stick insect, i found him on a tree in the back yard. He is now just hanging out around the place.


Jamies Kitchen - This show should be called 'The Harry and Manu show'. Where did they find these kids? Is our school system that bad?
Laguna Beach - Kendra is such a slut, can you believe she denyed macking on Cameron in the stretch SUV after the dance thing.
Americas Next Top Model - Tyra Banks is just really extending her 15mins to the point of maximum contract payment. Mel-rose should really go this week, she is 23 and a whole bag of suck!

ELO-mainly Jungle and Mr Blue Sky,Ben Kweller - Sundress, Canned Heat - Going to the country, NWA - A bitch is a bitch.

Since publishing this post, Sticky made his own way back to the wild. It was sad for 10 mins.